Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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