I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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