It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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