How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
