why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
