Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
