Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
