Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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