The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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