I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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