I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
