Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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