Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
