i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
