I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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