i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
