when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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