If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
