I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize