I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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