i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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