oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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