Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Drunk is not a location!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
