dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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