i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
