someone owes me an orgasm
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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