Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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