I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
