i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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