So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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