She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
