I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
