Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
