I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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