Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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