I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize