Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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