Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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