i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
