She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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