Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
