Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
