i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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