Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
