did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
