Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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