I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
