peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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