I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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