Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
