whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
