I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
