he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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