My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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