I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
