i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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