Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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